Ride Round The World

Auckland-Tahiti-Moorea if you don’t know your airport codes, the last two being islands in French Polynesia. A flight with Air Tahiti Nui first:

Business class on the 787 is 2x2x2 but there’s nobody in the seat next to me:

The menu sounded a lot nicer than it actually was:

Some of this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

Depart Auckland at 16:55 and arrive Tahiti at 22:35. The day before.

Leave on the 7th, fly for over 4 hours and arrive on the 6th, because we cross the international date line.

It’s the second time I’ve done it, and no matter how often I look at a globe and convince myself it’s right, it’s still really weird. Time travel. When you book two hotels in different countries both for the 6th, and two flights in different countries both for the 7th, it’s hard not to think you’re making a stupid and possibly expensive mistake, and it’s a relief when you arrive and everyone seem to agree that it is the 6th just like it was yesterday and you have successfully gone back in time…

After a very late arrival and a short stay in the disgusting Tahiti Airport Motel, the next morning I fly from Tahiti to Moorea, the shortest flight I’ve ever taken at just over 4 minutes from take off to landing. Tahiti is the “Big Island” in French Polynesia, but my first stop is in smaller Moorea for a couple of days before heading to the “so small it’s barely an island” Bora Bora. Weather in Moorea is less than perfect but at least there’s no cyclone:

On the theme of small, none of the luxurious hire cars like in NZ. This one is a turdbox and drives like a rotten banana, but the island only has one road and a 60kph speed limit so no matter:

That photo makes it look a thousand times better than it is and doesn’t show the million dents and scratches or how noisy, slow, and uncomfortable it is. I could make something better from milk bottle tops.

Not much of a day, just a long drive back to Christchurch, in order to fly back to Auckland, in order to fly to Tahiti (Yay!)

Good roads at the start (would be better on the right sort of bike), but once you get into the Canterbury plains it’s the dullest place in the world. Nothing but flat land, sheep shearing, and useless Chinese tourists who thought a self-drive holiday would be a good idea even though they’ve clearly never driven a car before.

Hidden at the top of a hill just off the road, another perfect picnic rock for a lunch break:

And multiple attempts to take an artsy photo of some red berries against a really blue lake. Totally failed to capture how striking it really was:

Back at Auckland, and hire car number 7. This time a Skoda Superb. (Hey Gary – It’s bloody good!)

And another hotel room free on points. Upgraded to a suite, which has a, well, it has a view:

Never mind, eh. My status (in the hotel loyalty scheme, not real life) means I get a free drink, but nobody knows how to make a mojito so I get 2 free drinks (edit: doesn’t help much cos they can’t make a martini either, and a simple G&T is totally ruined by being drowned in 6 gallons of tonic), and my Skoda is the 2 litre petrol turbo engine, so it should be fun for a morning trip round the Coromandel peninsula tomorrow before my flight to Tahiti (Woo Hoo!)

PS, people over here really do call women “sheilas”

Let’s go to Queenstown. Some nice views in the area:

And some great roads on the approach, including this one at Devil’s Staircase:

Found a quiet little beach at the bottom of a steep gravel trail. Quiet for about 60 seconds until a jeep full of Chinese arrived to shout to each other and take a million selfies.

But a bit further along, down a much steeper and narrower track, a perfect view and nobody there to annoy:

All mine:

Great views, even though the weather is sucky:

And here’s what will now be called “picnic rock”:

Spent a wonderfully other-people-especially-worst-of-all-Chinese-free lunch hour there before heading back to Queenstown, which is tucked into a thin strip by the shore at the foot of the mountains:

Queenstown is the nicest town I’ve been to in NZ, despite the overcast and very windy weather:

But it doesn’t warrant the rave reviews it gets, just like Milford Sound, an extremely poor imitation of the Norwegian fjords, doesn’t warrant being regarded as the best of New Zealand, because it’s actually shit.

Queenstown is really just another collection of hipster coffee shops and vegan restaurants, and good god it’s busy. It’s a permanent traffic jam and there are a million Chinese tourists, all in big groups, shouting and pushing and spitting. The behaviour of Chinese tourists is the absolute worst, and their driving is utterly incompetent and mind-bogglingly stupid.

I’ve learned that it is a bad idea to visit NZ during the first two weeks of February because it’s the Chinese new year holiday period and you’ll see ten disgustingly behaved Chinese people for every one New Zealander.

The best of Queenstown is out of town either on the water or in the surrounding mountains, when the weather is better.

Still, at least the freebie hotel room has a nice view:

And a free beer. When it comes to beer while traveling, always choose local:

Even though you’re worn out from another very long day, sunset isn’t until after 9 so when the beer is done you can take a hotel mountain bike along the lake. No Chinese there:

And then you can find a private jetty, climb over the chain with it’s pathetic little “no entry” sign, and see the sunset without being surrounded by shouting Chinese people:

Above was an amazing spot for a picnic lunch by the river, somewhere on the west coast between Fox Glacier and Wanaka. Nobody there. Unfortunately, lunch was me, and the only ones having a bite to eat were a million sandflies.

Below looks like a badly photoshopped fake, but that’s just how it came out of the camera.